Welcome to the Science of Kindness podcast. I'm your host, Doctor. Chris Colbert, and I'm so grateful that you've joined us today. We share real stories and give you tips, tricks, and strategies to fit kindness into your life. Enjoy and know that you are a bright light in this world.
Dr. Chris:Welcome back to another episode of the Science of Kindness. I'm Doctor. Chris Culver. I'm the host of the Science of Kindness podcast, and I'm so excited that you're here with us today. This episode is all about how does the science of kindness work.
Dr. Chris:And so it's really simple. When we have a kind act, again, remember, kindness is good for the doer, the receiver, or the observer, then it changes the neurochemical response in our brain, impacting the physical benefits of our body, shifting our emotions, and then ultimately allowing us to be the social ripple effect. I was doing a workshop recently with a corporate organization here in the Oklahoma City Metro Area, and I had them sing the song Row Row Row Your Boat. And at first when I asked them to sing the song, they looked at me like I had asked them to cure cancer or perform some kind of dance routine right there in the middle of the room. And I was like, calm down, friends.
Dr. Chris:No worries. No deer in the headlight looks. We're gonna sing it in our heads. And so I challenge you. Sing row row row your boat for twenty seven seconds and feel what you think about on the inside.
Dr. Chris:Do you feel excited about the activity? Do you feel nervous? Do you feel negative? Are you thinking doctor Chris has lost his total mind. Why am I singing Row, Row, Row Your Boat?
Dr. Chris:The process is simple, but the internal state changes our perception of time, task, and people. Why am I telling you that? Because if you did the row, row, row your boat activity, and it felt like forever, maybe you were annoyed, maybe you were skeptical, maybe you were frustrated, maybe you were wondering why in the hell am I even doing this. Right? But if it was quick, maybe you were present, you were playful, you were curious.
Dr. Chris:No matter what it may be, your internal state affects everything that you do, your thoughts, your moods, your actions. And as humans, we are wired in our brain to be kind, to be kind to our mind. Because honestly, self compassion is the piece that lights up the most neural pathways in our brain related to kindness. And I shared in the last episode, be kind to your mind. If you wouldn't say it to a friend, don't say it to yourself.
Dr. Chris:So many of us are easy to get down on ourselves and to be so loving and kind to other people. We've gotta give ourselves the same love and compassion. Otherwise, we have that internal dialogue, that internal state that's negative, and it doesn't allow us to show up as the best version of ourselves. One of the best ways to do this is through affirmations. If you've never written an affirmation about yourself, I really encourage you to start writing them out.
Dr. Chris:Maybe one or two, maybe three if you can. But ultimately, the goal is to get to 18. Some research suggests that when you write 18 affirmations about yourself, you're having to really dig down deep. One through 10 are gonna be super simple. They're gonna fly out.
Dr. Chris:I'm kind. I'm caring. I'm loving. 11 through 18 are where you're really gonna have to dig down deep. I use this activity a lot in my workshops.
Dr. Chris:And what's really funny is every time I say we're gonna write 18 affirmations, it is always always the same. And I say I'm grateful. I'm grateful that you're consistent giving me that giving me that that negative feedback. But what's really cool that the completion of these 18 affirmations, the energy in the room has changed. People are forming connections.
Dr. Chris:People are realizing there's a lot of things in common, but also being reminded of the value that they bring to the space because every single one of us, every single one of us add value to this world. We all have a gift. We all have something to give. We have to be exactly who we are because this world needs us. It needs us.
Dr. Chris:So if you've never read an affirmation, I challenge you to do this. When I was a middle school administrator, I would use this activity a lot for students. We know that conflict comes because of lack of communication or lack of clarity. This isn't unique to students. Right?
Dr. Chris:We think about colleagues at corporate America. I think about individuals at nonprofits who sometimes just have different understanding working with individuals. I have had that working in leadership teams even as an executive cabinet level member. Like, right, there were some folks that were really easy to work with, and there were some that were really difficult to work with. And I had to remind myself of the value that we bring to the space and that they bring to the space.
Dr. Chris:Because here's the deal, people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. And we know Teddy Roosevelt's told us that, but relationships are foundation for kindness. Relationships are foundation for kindness. I was reading a research article yesterday from the UCLA that talks about how 55% of our communication for relationships is communicated through nonverbal cues. Our body language, our energy, our facial expressions, all of those things really impact how we show up.
Dr. Chris:So again, you may know everything, But if we're showing up as not not caring, not being the best versions of ourselves, people don't care. Because in today's world, in 2025, in our society, our people are seeking mentors, people who care about them, Not just the good person, the best person, the one who does all the things that we want them to do, but I'm talking about the least, the last, the lost, the left out, the left behind. As humans, we are wired for connection. Think back to our hunter and gatherer's days. We would work in tandem to make sure that we got the supplies and resources that we needed to survive.
Dr. Chris:And when we had those those groups, we were able to achieve more. It's the exact same thing today even though technology has shifted our perspective and our our reach, people are looking for connection. They're looking for belonging. And we know that building relationships can be vague. And so when you are able to say good morning and use individuals' names, those are forms of kindness.
Dr. Chris:It increases engagement by 33. When you ask people questions, hey, how are you? Don't just allow someone to say I'm good and move on. That's where we diminish trust. But really look them in the eye.
Dr. Chris:Ask them, how are you? What's going on? What's new? And allow to have that dialogue because that human connection, even as simple as seven seconds, can allow us to rewire our brain. And we wanna let everyone know that we are so grateful that they are there today, and we're grateful that we are there too.
Dr. Chris:Those small moments, those small words, those small shifts could be really miniscule to you or to me. But to to someone else who's receiving those words or that moment, it could be the lifeline they need to hold on to keep going. So I encourage you, hold the door for a stranger, say good morning, let them know you're glad they're there today. Use their name appropriately, the way they wanna be called, however it's pronounced. Because when we do that, we're signaling those belonging cues of kindness that you are seen, you're heard, you're valued, and respected.
Dr. Chris:Every day may not be a great day, but there's something great in every single day. And I say this all the time and I said in the last episode, I'm sure I'll say it three more times in this one. You are greater than great. And it's easy to get bogged down in this comparison or this doom scrolling society because of social media. Hear me loud and clear.
Dr. Chris:No one's putting all the things on social media. They only put the positive things. So if we compare our lives against their highlight reel, we're always gonna be in this doom spiral. Every day may not be a great day, but there's something great in every single day. When I worked at the local district as a as an executive level team member, there was a day in which we had a real life dumpster fire.
Dr. Chris:They called me and said, doctor Colbert, the middle school's on fire. And I initially responded like, No, thank you. Like this is enough for the day. Because mind you, day before, the middle school had water coming out of the ceiling with no power. And today we have a fire on the backfield.
Dr. Chris:As I walked over, I was really frustrated because we were in the middle of dismissal. We had sports ball practice, we had all these things happening. And I was like, why did the cafeteria lady put oil grease in the trash can? But in the same breath, I found gratitude because if it weren't for Mrs. Hedrick in seventh grade, I'm not sure that I would have remembered what combustion was.
Dr. Chris:Right? And so as we worked as a team to get everyone home safely, and everyone was home safely. We worked as a team greatly. There were no issues. But it was so frustrating in that moment.
Dr. Chris:As I turned the corner to go back to my office, there was this green John Deere green Gator tractor sitting there and their keys were in it. And friends, I took that as an open invitation to relive my country roots and jump on that Gator and drive it like a bat out of hell. I don't know where I was going or what I was doing, but I can tell you it was a lot easier to find gratitude in that moment. We can't always control the events in our lives, but we can control how we perceive them. And our response to the events determines our outcomes.
Dr. Chris:We all have dumpster fire experiences in our lives every single day. I can't control the dumpster fire that's gonna happen today, it's gonna happen tomorrow, or what's gonna happen yesterday. But what I can do is I can control my thoughts related to the events that allow me to have a different perception and a different outcome. Had I not shifted my perspective to missus Hedrick and having the opportunity to remember the power of combustion, had I not shifted my perspective finding gratitude on that gator, it could've been a whole lot worse. Right?
Dr. Chris:It could've been a whole lot worse for myself, for other individuals. I could've shown up with that negative internal state that we were talking about. It could've shifted my mood, my energy, my reactions. So I ask you, what is the dumpster fire that you're navigating right now? How can you shift your perspective to what it's teaching you, to what it's showing you, to what it's allowing you to be or grow through?
Dr. Chris:Because each experience, each opportunity is showing us something, should we choose to see it that way. Another powerful thing that's really important is to pause in the moments of frustration and stress and identify what are three good things right now. For me, it's connecting with you all right here in this space. It's having the podcast, the science of kindness. And three, it's on this mission of making kindness go viral.
Dr. Chris:Right? The wind's blowing. The sun is out. I can see the leaves changing. All of those things may be small, but I love fall.
Dr. Chris:So it allows me to stay rooted in gratitude. I ask you, what are three good things right now for you? And I hope number one is yourself, and maybe number two is this podcast, but think about it as you go throughout this day. What are three good things right now? And if you're having a hard time and you're like, doctor Chris, I can't find anything good right now.
Dr. Chris:I have no gratitude in my heart. I got nothing in my soul. It's been a hard day. I got you. I got you.
Dr. Chris:We all have been there. Life is hard. Life lives and life throws us lemons. If you're looking for a pick me up, my kindergarten friends at area code (707) 873-7862. I'll read it again.
Dr. Chris:(707) 873-7862. If you call that phone number, it's a service project from elementary school. These kindergarteners and first graders will literally give you kind words of encouragement and affirmation. My favorite is when little kindergarteners like, I'm scared of snakes, but you got this. And I remember hearing that kid's voice on the day of the dumpster fire.
Dr. Chris:I had just called. That number was having a rough day as I shared already. We had the the rain the day before, and that little kid said, I'm scared of snakes, but you got this. And I was like, you know what, little buddy? We got this.
Dr. Chris:And so there may be days that you can't find three good things right now, but maybe you need a smile or a joy jolt, as I like to call it. Pick up the phone, call that number, and help spread the words of positivity. Because choosing kindness doesn't mean ignoring problems. It means solving them with empathy. What does that mean?
Dr. Chris:We're asking questions. We're assuming positive intent, and we're seeking to understand. In education, there's a really popular activity called I wish my teacher knew, where we ask students to tell tell their story about what it is we wish we knew about them to help us be the best teacher or servant leader to them. And for so long, I've used this in spaces to talk about, but I never really applied it. When I was starting the semester this school year, I decided, you know what?
Dr. Chris:I'm gonna start I wish my teacher knew, and I wanna hear from my students, but I also am gonna do I wish my students knew. I was working with some corporate leaders not too long ago, and we were having a similar conversation around empathy and making sure we understood all of our team. And I decided to flip the script right there in the moment. I wish my colleagues knew, right? So I'll be vulnerable and share.
Dr. Chris:Because I shared this with the individuals in that space. And I said, Doctor. Culver wishes his colleagues knew that he was bullied in school. Those experience shaped me, and I promised myself I would never make anyone else feel that way. I wish my colleagues knew that I had a rough childhood, and I struggled to finish my undergraduate degree.
Dr. Chris:Those struggles taught me the importance of grace, and I strive to extend that grace to others. I wish my colleagues knew how excited and passionate I am. I love being a team player and an idea creator, but as a perfectionist, I sometimes overanalyze, which can lead to anxiety or that negative self talk. That's why kindness both to myself and to others matters so much to me. I wish my colleagues knew that when I don't feel valued or acknowledged or as part of the team, it can shift my internal dialogue and make me question myself.
Dr. Chris:But when I feel seen, it fuels my confidence, it fuels my creativity, and it fuels my joy in working alongside others. I wish my colleagues knew that I had to work hard. And I always give a 110%. I love collaborating and problem solving, but I also can work independently. I'm kind, I'm caring, I'm compassionate.
Dr. Chris:I also hope that kindness isn't taken for granted. My hope is that we can collaborate with mutual respect and making work meaningful and joyful experience together. Most of all, I wish my colleagues knew how I'm rooting for us as a team. We got this. So many of us are carrying invisible backpacks that we're not aware of.
Dr. Chris:So many of us show up in different spaces because of those invisible backpacks that we're not aware of. When we operate with empathy, when we assume positive intent, we ask questions and we seek to understand, We allow us to understand that backpack and how to reach and teach that person or show up and collaborate with that person as the best versions of ourselves. As I shared, I used this colleague writing NSAs with corporate trainers, but I also use the same activity with my students. And a student wrote this to me during our semester in August. She said, I wish my teacher knew that I'm very blessed.
Dr. Chris:I grew up in a picture perfect household. My parents were in love and I rarely argued. I never had to worry about anything. Really, going to college or having a car was never a problem. If anything, I grew up spoiled rotten by my family.
Dr. Chris:I wish my teacher knew that my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer when I was 15. I wish my teacher knew I had shave off my mom's hair when she started chemo. I tried to make dinners that my mom could keep down. I tried to maintain the house, but I was lost. I wish my teacher knew that my grandparents moved in when I was 16.
Dr. Chris:My grandma had dementia and was forgetting everyone, and my grandpa was not able to maintain his health. I wish my teacher knew that my mom lost her battle with cancer on Thanksgiving of twenty twenty three. I was there for her the entire time. I wish my teacher knew my grandma lost her battle of dementia a few days after Christmas, and my grandpa died of heartbreak a few days after Valentine's Day. I wish my teacher knew how very blessed I am.
Dr. Chris:During all of these hard times, I had school and teachers that were my steady rock. None of them truly knew what was going on at home and the impact they had on me. They kept me afloat during a horrible storm. I wish my teacher knew what it feels like, that I've lived a lifetime in nineteen years. I know some of us may be having some emotions.
Dr. Chris:I definitely had an emotional response when I read that. And sometimes when I read it again, tears come down my face. And again, I don't share that to make anyone feel sad. I share that with solidarity that some of us are navigating some hardships. Some of us are carrying some things in our backpack that make us show up in our workspaces, in our sports practice, with our children, with our families at different ways.
Dr. Chris:We have to be gracious with ourselves, compassionate with ourselves, and say, you know what? I'm doing my best, and I'm carrying this backpack with all that I can, and I gotta show up as the best version of myself. And so sometimes that's communicating what's going on. So I challenge you. If you were to write, I wish my colleagues knew.
Dr. Chris:I wish my students knew. I wish my family knew. I wish my brother knew. What are some things that you would include? How would you let people know that's impacting you that you are showing up as yourself?
Dr. Chris:Because here's the deal. Our brains are brilliant, but they are imperfect. We mishear things. We mishear missee things. We misremember things.
Dr. Chris:We forget things. We confuse things, and we create meanings to things even if it's flawed. If I were to put some words up like f blank blank k, you might fill in those blanks with some profanity. Right? But what if I were talking about the word fork instead of the f word?
Dr. Chris:Right? That's a real life metaphor of what happens in our minds every single day. Joshua Stamper and Charlie Peck tell us in their book, The Language of Behavior, that when we don't have all of the information, it's easy to fill in the gaps with the negative responses. It's human nature, and it happens every day as our lives as a way for our brains to protect ourselves from threats for the environment. We are constantly looking at body language, tone of voice, eye contact, emotional energy.
Dr. Chris:And if you caught the first episode, it talked about how in the UCLA study that I was reading, communication is communicated 55% by nonverbal cues. And I think about when we're scanning all of these things, knowing the backpacks that we're all carrying, are we filling in those white noise or those splanks with positive intentions or those negative spaces? Because the reality is what we don't always know, we're clinging to to foster meaning. But when we choose grace, when we choose kindness, when we choose compassion for ourselves, we're filling in the white noise with those blanks, with what we do know, rather than trying to make sense of them that we do not know. That help us foster trust, right?
Dr. Chris:Because we are able to trust ourselves, trust other people, trust the intentions, and trust the internal dialogue of ourselves. Trust is the most important ingredient of any relationship. Without trust, the relationship does not mean a thing. Doctor. Kelly Harding in The Rabbit Effect of the Science of Kindness, she says that if we know six of our neighbors in our community, we probably feel like we live in a safe and trusting community and a safe space if we know the six of our neighbors.
Dr. Chris:Applying that same research to our respective workspaces, our families, or our dynamics, whatever that may look like, whether it be work in a school or corporate America, nonprofit, a sports team, do we know six of our colleagues? Do we know six of our players? Do we know six of these people? Because if we do, I wonder, would we have a more trusting relationship? Would we have a a deeper relationship rooted in kindness where we know people see us and value us and we have fostered that belonging?
Dr. Chris:Do we create opportunities to connect with individuals and genuinely show interest in their emotions and well-being? That's a form of kindness. Right? Showing up for people. Do we actively listen?
Dr. Chris:That most sacred gift that we can give someone, our attention. Do we actively listen to individuals without interruption or judgment? Validating feelings even when they differ from our own perspective. And I know that's hard, but that's where we look at someone in the eye, we hear what they have to say, we assume positive intent. Do we collaborate with individuals to identify and address their concerns working together towards a solution?
Dr. Chris:I was talking to someone recently, I was a teacher. Last week, I was doing a workshop, and this teacher shared they had come forward to a administrator. And the administrator didn't hear what they had to say to start immediately trying to solve their problem, and the teacher felt dismissed. When we collaborate and we address their concerns when we work towards a solution together, we foster trust, and it also signals those belonging cues deeply rooted in kindness. Do we use guiding principles to seek to align our values and aspirations?
Dr. Chris:Do we create opportunities to share your expertise and insights? Do you build credibility by being consistent and acting in ways that align with your expressed values and principles? These small intentional statements, these questions that I'm posing, these are the foundational aspects and steps of fostering trust. Because trust is slow moving. It's a layered process that happens over time, but everything, everything starts and stops with trust.
Dr. Chris:Think about how many of us told a lie to our parents or someone who's lied to you. It's so much harder. To be honest, it takes three times as long to rebuild that trust once it's damaged. People who are treated with dignity and respect, everyone who's treated with dignity and respect are 55% more engaged and more likely to be trusting. Because kindness is where we create a space where everyone feels seen, heard, valued, and respected.
Dr. Chris:And when we do that, when we operate with kindness in our respective space, we have the opportunity to change and impact a thousand lives around you. You're thinking, Doctor. Culver, what are you talking about? I'm not interacting with a thousand people a day. Because your habits, your emotions, your energies are so contagious, your behavior is ultimately the ripple effect.
Dr. Chris:You can impact your friends' friends' friends. And how do you do it? It's as simple as a smile. Your smile has the power to communicate belonging cues to other individuals, and it has the power to trick your brain into the feel good chemicals. Mel Robbins tells us there's power at smiling at ourself in the mirror or giving ourselves a mirror high five.
Dr. Chris:I'll be really vulnerable. I was walking the lake the other day around our neighborhood, Lake Overholsta here in Oklahoma City. And as I was walking, there were individuals who were not saying good morning, not seeing me, not anything. And I was like, wait a minute, I'm six'four. They can clearly see me out here on the sidewalk.
Dr. Chris:And what I realized is I needed to take the first action. And when I said good morning to them, when I smiled at them, when I was making those intentional efforts, I could see the shift in their behavior. I could see the smile light up on their face. I could see those things happen. Some people, I didn't even say a word, I just smiled and it shifted the energy.
Dr. Chris:Now mind you, as a human, right, we have messy moments. And in that moment of mess, I had a moment of stress come over me where I didn't realize if I had left the house unlocked or not. How was I gonna get back inside the house? I was unsure. And in those moments, I missed five opportunities to connect with individuals.
Dr. Chris:And I thought about as I was walking, how many of us allow stress and worry and doubt and fear to come over our minds that allow us do do not allow us to connect with individuals. We have to be kind to ourselves. We have to have grace and compassion. When those negative thoughts come, we have to ask ourselves, are they true? Or are we filling in the white noise with negativity?
Dr. Chris:If we're operating in the truth, we're operating in filling in the white noise with positivity, we're being kind to our mind, which allows us to be our full selves and encourages other people to be exactly who they are without fear of judgment. Because connection, even brief, can ignite energy. So I challenge you today. I challenge you this week. Smile.
Dr. Chris:Say hello to everyone that you pass. Say good morning. Those things light up neural pathways in the brain. Compliment people where you go. Not just, hey, I like your sunglasses.
Dr. Chris:Hey, I like your dress. Hey, I acknowledge how hard you're working. Oh my goodness. Thank you for your effort. Thank you so much for what you do.
Dr. Chris:Right? Those really intentional compliments will go further, that deep kindness than I like your nail color. But don't get me wrong. Don't get me wrong. If that's where we gotta start, those are powerful steps in the right direction, being 1% better today than we were yesterday.
Dr. Chris:I also challenge you to commit five random acts of kindness. What does that look like? Why does that matter? Those kindness acts are gonna boost your happiness, lower your stress, and improve the work life balance energy that you're bringing to the space. It doesn't have to cost a dollar.
Dr. Chris:It could be opening the door for someone. It could be saying good morning. It could be getting the the green bean can off the top shelf for the short lady at the grocery store who can't do it. It could be holding the elevator door for your colleague at the corporate office while their hands are full. Maybe it's closing the door for someone, right?
Dr. Chris:Think about and be observant of what you can do because those moments of kindness, they may be small to you. We don't know what's in that invisible backpack that someone's carrying that's gonna impact how they show up, how they're gonna be perceived, how they're gonna be out there in the world. And that moment of kindness could be the life saving thing they need because don't be afraid to be who you are, someone needs you. And if you improve 1% every single day, then by the end of the time you started, you'll be 37 times better. And friends, I'm not talking about leading the kindness brigade for the entire state or city or the nation.
Dr. Chris:I'm talking about, did you speak kindly to yourself today more so than yesterday? Did you give out four random acts of kindness today but you're aiming for five tomorrow? Right? It's that 1%. Did you smile at someone to say good morning?
Dr. Chris:Did you open the door for a stranger? Did you seek to understand in the moment of frustration? Did you ask questions? It's about being 1% better every single day. You see, kindness isn't a lulu.
Dr. Chris:Kindness isn't a weakness. And kindness isn't something that you give, it's something that you live. And every time you choose kindness, you change your brain, you change your energy, and you change your world. Not just kindness to yourself, but kindness to your thoughts, kindness to your actions, and kindness to your intent. The science of kindness is real.
Dr. Chris:It transforms you, it transforms workplaces, it increases profit, sales, productivity, it lowers turnover, it reduces accidents, it improves loyalty, it improves motivation. Right? A lot of those bottom line things that corporate leaders are looking at. But more importantly, the deep level of kindness, it improves your mood, it fosters belonging, it reduces stress, and it increases motivation. I want you to know in our brains, we are wired for kindness.
Dr. Chris:And it's not something some of us are born with and some of us don't have it. Every single person, every single person is wired for kindness. And it's a choice we make every single day. It's not a personality trait. It's not some of us have it and some of us don't.
Dr. Chris:It's an intentional choice that we make. And it's most important in the moments of hardship, when we know that things are getting rough, that we choose kindness for ourselves. Because in those moments, when we dig down deep and we have grace, we have compassion, we have kindness, we're not only being the light for ourselves, but we're being the light for others. Remember, if you can't find the light, be the light. And sometimes the light you're looking for is the one that you carry on the inside.
Dr. Chris:It has been a joy to discuss the science of kindness with every single one of you today to talk about what kindness can do for ourselves and what are some simple actions that we can apply to our lives that will make kindness easier for ourselves and for those of us around you. If you're looking for more science of kindness tips, check out my website www.doctorchriscolver.com or wwworangesparrow.org and on all social media channels at doctor chriscolver. I've got kindness videos, kindness resources, kindness tips and tricks, and I'm excited to continue sharing them with on future episodes right here on the science of kindness. If you haven't done so, make sure you subscribe, click follow, link it, all the things on the social media channel, and be sure to favorite it, to share it out, and let people know all the work that we're doing right here on the science of kindness. As always, I'm rooting for you.
Dr. Chris:I'm grateful for you, and I love you. I will see you next time on the next episode of the science of kindness. Have a great day, friends.
Jake Doberenz:The science of kindness podcast is hosted by doctor Chris Culver. Our editor is Billy Mark. Our executive producer is Jake Dobreins. This podcast was created in conjunction with Theophany Media.